Archive | September, 2012

Words That Sound Funny: FETISHIST

29 Sep

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CENTURY OF THE WOMAN: GINA CARANO

27 Sep

by Zaron Burnett III

It’s over for men.  We’ve lost.  Women will soon rule the world.  The 21st Century will one day be known as The Century of the Woman.  Fuck China… fuck robots and nanotechnology… this century belongs to women…  and their growing power will give this century its shape.

I imagine this is how white guys felt when black guys first started playing pro basketball.

This week’s evidence of… The Century of the Woman: Gina Carano.

Have to admit I intended to see “Haywire” when it was in the theaters, but for some reason I missed it.  Here’s the trailer:

And since I slept on it… I didn’t learn who Gina Carano was until last week.   But I quickly made up for lost time.  Now I know a lot about her because as soon as I finished watching the Steven Soderbergh-directed “Haywire,” I had to learn… who is… Gina Carano.  And most of the time I read about her or watched an interview, I kept muttering… “Holy shit…”

Here she is in a pre-“Haywire” interview, back when she was a professional MMA-fighter doing the late-night tv circuit.  She’s so nervous in this interview, and the poor host, Craig Ferguson, he almost suffered a coronary event when she compared cage-fighting to sex:

We see it everywhere thesedays… women are taking over.   Women like… Gina Carano.

According to journalist Liza Mundy, today, women receive more college and post-collegiate degrees, they’re dominant in 8 of the 10 fastest-growing industries and… well, let’s face it, there’s really nothing holding women back anymore.  Women are doing more and more of the heavy-lifting in Western culture.  At this summer’s Olympics, American women won 66% of the gold medals for America.  They took home more gold medals than most other countries won.

It’s happening anywhere and everywhere you look.  And now it’s happened at the Cineplex… that purest barometer for all things cultural in America.  The place where we watch the “dreams” of our culture dance in the dark.

Sure, you may argue… women have been kicking ass in the movies for decades now.  True enough.

Sigourney Weaver in the “Aliens” movies, Linda Hamilton in the “Terminator” movies, Milla Jovovich in the “Resident Evil” series of films, Kate Beckinsale in the “Underworld” movies and even, Angelina Jolie in “Salt,” the “Tomb Raider” movies and in “Mr. and Mrs. Smith”…

They all kicked much cinematic ass.

But did I ever believe any one of them could actually kick my ass?  Not one second.

That’s all changed.

Finally, there’s a female action star who doesn’t need the label female… she’s just an action star.

And in those predatory eyes I see the future reflected back at me.

No reason to be afraid of the future, guys.  Especially when the future is fucking all-the-way badass like… Gina Carano. 

I feel bad for the robots.

BAD RITUALS: Wedding Pictures

27 Sep

Bad Rituals: Wedding Pictures

by Esmerelda HotPants

Jesus!  What the hell happens to people when they’re planning on getting married?  If you wanna see a person go batshit crazy… tell them they need to plan their own wedding.  Sure… most every girl dreams of getting married some day, and so we may have one or two ideas of what we want it to look like… but some people remind us why you should never tell other people about your dreams… or try to live in them.

EXHIBIT A:  Just Like Fat Elvis…  Old Jesus Is A Total Downer… 

I don’t care if you want your lord and savior at your wedding.  For chrissakes at least do it with some style.  Jesus!!

EXHIBIT B:  Sure Glad They Found Each Other

I’m not being mean when I say this… I’m sure glad they found each other.  Do you know how hard it would be to convince someone to wear this shit at their wedding?  …I like it.  No, I really do. But I can’t imagine ever meeting a man and no matter how deeply he loved me, him saying “Baby, you know I’ll wear whatever you want me to wear…”  Nope.  You have to find the man where it might even be his idea.  I love this picture.  Something about it gives an old hag like me… hope.

EXHIBIT C:  What The Fuck Did… I Do?!

This picture not only makes me laugh every time I look at it… but it really speaks to that moment when one… of the two people, who just a moment before, were both optimistic and totally convincing themselves this is all gonna work out… is confronted by the grim, spikey-toothed reality of “OhFuck… What did… I do?”

But she looks so happy.  That’s nice.  I think…

EXHIBIT D:  Why Is Anyone Letting Them Hold A Baby…  Oh, please…  Tell me that’s not their baby

This bad wedding picture has a whole different stink on it.  It’s creepy.  First you ask… Why are they holding  a baby?  Then you ask: Who would let them hold a baby?  And then finally strike three… Wait, is that their baby?  And you never got to the most basic question of: What the fuck is he wearing to presumably his wedding?

And once again, she looks happy.  Which is… good?  I guess.

EXHIBIT E:  I KNOW… BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE MARRYING A GIANT BLACK DILDO…

Girl, we need to talk.  Do not let your girlfriends convince you to wear your wedding dress to a sex shop… no matter how funny they think it is.  You don’t even want to know where all the hands that have even been in that shop have been and what they’ve touched… I mean every thing in there is… just one step away from being evidence in a trial.

But your girlfriends are right… it’s a funny picture… because it looks like you’ve given up on love and are just gonna settle down with  a giant black dildo for your husband.  Hahaha!  Oh, that’s a good one.

EXHIBIT F:  I HATE ALL YOU BITCHES AND NOW I HAVE THIS FOREVER!

So awesome how female rivalries, petty jealousies and a shared history of drama have found a ritual all their own: the bridesmaid dress.  It’s the time when on her “special day” a bride gets to make her closest friends and young family members look about as stupid and unattractive as they’ll ever look and photograph it… for all time.  There’s the bride, looking beautiful, made-up by a professional, her hair perfect, the dress exquisite and she’s glowing with a wide smile… and then there’s the ugly bitches all around her to help with the contrast.

Such an awesome ritual!  So glad to be a woman.   Guys, you just don’t know.

EXHIBIT G: “YOU GO ON, BABY… YOU CUT THE CAKE… CUT ME, YOU GO ON AND CUT ME, BABY…”

The look on this guy’s face may be worth more than the customary 1,000 words.  He might have a three thousand word look on his face.  So much can be said and interpreted, projected and pondered.  But one thing’s for certain, he is not rushing to cut the cake.

He’s gonna stay real still and try to enjoy this particular terrible piece of wedding planning.  He knows no matter what he does, he ain’t gonna do right… so he might as well enjoy how fucking ridiculous that cake is.  Better than cutting up the bride.

And once again… I really do like the cake.  Stealing that idea, girl.

And that’s why weddings are so much fun…  Because everyone loses their shit when they start planning one.  Even if they choose to just elope…  You let me watch them with a camera and I’ll come back with proof… that daring, romantic young couple did some dumb shit on their wedding, too.

Next time… think I’m gonna look at first day of school pictures.  Like weddings… so much hope, so much optimism… so much funny!

-EsMeReLda HoTpAnTs

Words That Sound Funny: MENSTRUATION

27 Sep

 Words That Sound Funny:

Moondog and DJ Kicks “BIRD’S LAMENT”

20 Sep

What happens when a 21st Century DJ re-mixes the work of a blind self-taught composer from the 20th Century?

The music stretches to the sky and back!

This track takes avant-garde jazz/classical music and brings all of its dynamic beauty into the electronic rhythms of today.

And to do that well, is about as difficult as walking across a crowded party carrying a teaspoon of red wine without spilling a drop.

Do yourself a favor and check out Moondog’s other compositions.   Moondog Lives!

Trash Talk “AWAKE”

8 Sep

Cali hardcore band Trash Talk is just pure speedball awesomeness…

Their video for “Awake” makes my soul smile.  The skater in the video is living full tilt.  If skating was sex… dude’s  full-on porn star!!   And the imagery they captured… fits their music better than melted butter fits a biscuit.

Apparently they were recently signed to Odd Future’s label, so look for them to drop a new album in the near future.

Fiona Apple “EVERY SINGLE NIGHT”

8 Sep

 

Kinda slept on this when it first came out… but no doubt Fiona Apple’s work is SuperGoodSh!t…

Brilliant.  Pained.  Opinionated.  Apparently hungry…  Whatever you say about Fiona Apple you should always include… reliable.

Reliably talented.  Reliably odd.  Reliably unique.  Reliably entertaining.  She’s just… super-reliable.

And we’re stoked she’s back.   Love all the visuals in this video, especially the Hawaiian hula dancer/grass-skirt motif, Paris in the light of night and spending time in bed with the Minotaur.

Anytime you need to talk all night, or have someone laugh like a drunk child with you, or just cook you some bacon ’cause you’re hungry…  Fiona, drop a line to SuperGoodSh!t.  ‘Cause we got your skinny little back, grrrl.