Bad Rituals: Wedding Pictures
by Esmerelda HotPants
Jesus! What the hell happens to people when they’re planning on getting married? If you wanna see a person go batshit crazy… tell them they need to plan their own wedding. Sure… most every girl dreams of getting married some day, and so we may have one or two ideas of what we want it to look like… but some people remind us why you should never tell other people about your dreams… or try to live in them.
EXHIBIT A: Just Like Fat Elvis… Old Jesus Is A Total Downer…
I don’t care if you want your lord and savior at your wedding. For chrissakes at least do it with some style. Jesus!!
EXHIBIT B: Sure Glad They Found Each Other
I’m not being mean when I say this… I’m sure glad they found each other. Do you know how hard it would be to convince someone to wear this shit at their wedding? …I like it. No, I really do. But I can’t imagine ever meeting a man and no matter how deeply he loved me, him saying “Baby, you know I’ll wear whatever you want me to wear…” Nope. You have to find the man where it might even be his idea. I love this picture. Something about it gives an old hag like me… hope.
EXHIBIT C: What The Fuck Did… I Do?!
This picture not only makes me laugh every time I look at it… but it really speaks to that moment when one… of the two people, who just a moment before, were both optimistic and totally convincing themselves this is all gonna work out… is confronted by the grim, spikey-toothed reality of “OhFuck… What did… I do?”
But she looks so happy. That’s nice. I think…
EXHIBIT D: Why Is Anyone Letting Them Hold A Baby… Oh, please… Tell me that’s not their baby…
This bad wedding picture has a whole different stink on it. It’s creepy. First you ask… Why are they holding a baby? Then you ask: Who would let them hold a baby? And then finally strike three… Wait, is that their baby? And you never got to the most basic question of: What the fuck is he wearing to presumably his wedding?
And once again, she looks happy. Which is… good? I guess.
EXHIBIT E: I KNOW… BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE MARRYING A GIANT BLACK DILDO…
Girl, we need to talk. Do not let your girlfriends convince you to wear your wedding dress to a sex shop… no matter how funny they think it is. You don’t even want to know where all the hands that have even been in that shop have been and what they’ve touched… I mean every thing in there is… just one step away from being evidence in a trial.
But your girlfriends are right… it’s a funny picture… because it looks like you’ve given up on love and are just gonna settle down with a giant black dildo for your husband. Hahaha! Oh, that’s a good one.
EXHIBIT F: I HATE ALL YOU BITCHES AND NOW I HAVE THIS FOREVER!
So awesome how female rivalries, petty jealousies and a shared history of drama have found a ritual all their own: the bridesmaid dress. It’s the time when on her “special day” a bride gets to make her closest friends and young family members look about as stupid and unattractive as they’ll ever look and photograph it… for all time. There’s the bride, looking beautiful, made-up by a professional, her hair perfect, the dress exquisite and she’s glowing with a wide smile… and then there’s the ugly bitches all around her to help with the contrast.
Such an awesome ritual! So glad to be a woman. Guys, you just don’t know.
EXHIBIT G: “YOU GO ON, BABY… YOU CUT THE CAKE… CUT ME, YOU GO ON AND CUT ME, BABY…”
The look on this guy’s face may be worth more than the customary 1,000 words. He might have a three thousand word look on his face. So much can be said and interpreted, projected and pondered. But one thing’s for certain, he is not rushing to cut the cake.
He’s gonna stay real still and try to enjoy this particular terrible piece of wedding planning. He knows no matter what he does, he ain’t gonna do right… so he might as well enjoy how fucking ridiculous that cake is. Better than cutting up the bride.
And once again… I really do like the cake. Stealing that idea, girl.
And that’s why weddings are so much fun… Because everyone loses their shit when they start planning one. Even if they choose to just elope… You let me watch them with a camera and I’ll come back with proof… that daring, romantic young couple did some dumb shit on their wedding, too.
Next time… think I’m gonna look at first day of school pictures. Like weddings… so much hope, so much optimism… so much funny!