by Elvis Acosta
In less than a month… it’ll be… December 21st… the end of the world.
Or at least, according to some folks. Rather than argue with their doom and gloom Mayan calendar (nonsense), let’s just say… they’re right.
Then the question changes and quickly becomes: Well, shit… what do I do with the last 30 or so days until Armageddon?
It’s a supremely interesting question to ask oneself. It must be like how it feels for some suicidal types as they count down the days and cross off to-do items from their lists. If it all works out… you write a pretty awesome list of what’s important to you. And it should be worth the time to come up with such a list… especially when time is suddenly so limited and hyper-valuable.
Plus, it seems morbidly fun to consider the choices one would make when the world is ending. What’s first on your list?
Obviously you want to spend as much time as you can with your friends, family and loved ones… but beyond all that obvious sentimental shit… What are you really gonna do with your last days of life on Earth?
For me… that’s an easy one. First I need to rush out and take a motorcycle lesson and then buy or maybe steal a motorbike. That’s just a no-brainer. Haven’t been lucky enough to own a motorcycle yet. But since I only have three or so weeks left, I’m going riding. I’ll sure try not to get arrested for doing 160mph in-town- but I can’t promise anything since I’ve never had one of my own before. I’ll certainly have to balance it all against my desire not to go to jail.
Because as we all know, jail is just about the last place you want to be when the world ends. But no doubt about it- I’m getting a motorbike.
After that… the next question will be: How much time to spend fucking?
If you have a partner, you both have to be honest with each other and really ask yourselves, “Baby, how much loving d’you wanna get in before the world ends?”
Some partners will be like, ”Oh, we fucking…,” while others might say, “At least once a day seems good to me.” Or something like that. Maybe they won’t sound so much like a cartoon white guy. But the question needs to be answered.
If you don’t have a partner, you gotta ask yourself the slightly more depressing question because it involves the possibility of wasting time, “How much time do I wanna spend chasing tail?”
It’s gonna be a very personal choice. But as we all know, sex is important so we need to make time for it. That’s all I’m saying.
One other thing. End-of-the-world sex-capades seem like they’ll be unnaturally obsecene and fantastical, I’m talking bizarre cosplay- like you’re a horny uniorn and she’s a sexy My Little Pony, or maybe you’re a mustached cop and she’s a Russian prostitute, or you just cover yourselves in blackberry jelly and lick each other clean. Whatever. But I don’t wanna miss out on some of that end-of-the-world sex.
Maybe it’s a sci-fi cliché. But I’ve always imagined sex in the last days of life on Earth, somehow it’ll be the coolest and most defiant act you can do, like raising a middle finger against the coming end-times.
Next for me… the question of travel comes up.
Where do you wanna be when the Apocalypse happens?
Like, for instance, it sounds cool to be at a rave at the foot of the pyramids for the end of the world…
…until the shit goes down and now you’re just in a desert where you don’t speak the language and the world is ending.
What if the end isn’t some cosmic cataclysm… and we don’t all die in some instantaneous catastrophe?
What if… instead it’s just hell on earth for awhile… Do you wanna make it worse by being a tourist in Egypt?
Or maybe that’s total genius and Egypt is the best place in the world to be when the world ends? You never know…
Guess I’d say… play it to your comfort level. Like, if you speak the language, that’d be pretty key. But hey, don’t let any anticipated discomfort limit your imagination, you go wherever you feel comfortable and make those last days on earth memorable- which if you think of it is actually kinda silly since you’ll soon be dead and what good are memories when you’re dead…
Food. We haven’t talked much about that… I’ll probably spend a few days and nights of this last month just eating until I have to loosen my belt. I’m not typically a glutton but I’ll enjoy a few feasts of some of my favorite dishes. I’m sure you have your favorites. It would be super-purple awesome if when the end of the world came I had a turkey leg in one hand… and maybe a thigh in my other hand… if you know what I’m saying. I’d certainly be shiny-faced and smiling.
Speaking of which… there are some unappreciated modern conveniences I will miss when the world ends. Like, I’m gonna miss hot water plumbing. Hot water on demand…? That’s the height of luxury in the post-apocalypse.
Seriously, I don’t imagine hot water will be readily on-demand in the post-apocalypse. It may be a bit philosophical of me, but I’m gonna be honest, I’ll be spending considerable time enjoying long showers and slow baths. Making some time for that.
Personally, I have no desire to go on one of those classic spending sprees. But hey, if that’s your thing, I could totally see how that’d be a fun way to spend some last days.
Just blowing through stores like a Tasmanian devil would be pretty epic. Yeah… now that I really imagine it… okay, a shopping spree would be fun. Might do that once or twice. And a shopping spree at a camping goods store, that would be pretty damn smart.
Assuming bands will still be touring, since nothing, not even the end of the world will stop a musician from playing a gig- I’m gonna go see as many bands as I can.
Which in terms of time it means I’ll have to balance all that live music against attending one opera, as many movies I can cram in, gotta see Lincoln before the world ends, and maybe some of the Lucha Libre masked wrestling, a good drag show, the symphony and a last whirlwind tour of all my favorite galleries in town. Art is important. Thinking about it now, all that art and culture will eat up a good deal of my last days and nights, so it seems scheduling will be necessary.
But it’s so terribly lame to schedule your last days on Earth… I mean it’s the end of the world. If ever there’s a time to throw caution and planning to the wind… But I guess, yeah, a loose schedule’s gonna work far better and get more stuff done.
It’s such a tough amount of time… 30 days. Not enough to sail around the world but it’s enough time to ski down a mountain on each continent. I mean, you don’t know if weather would work out in your favor and you’d get snow everywhere but the jet travel would get you there.
It’s so much time… and so little.
What are you gonna do with your last weeks on Earth?
We’ll be back with a series of ideas of how to spend your last days of life on Earth.
Happy Armageddon to you!